Monday
I manage to alleviate the 9 to 5 drudgery and break the monotonous tedium by working for half an hour. Either side of what I can only assume was a head-fit I discover the joys of Mountain Glaring. I believe that I won 3-0. Tomorrow we will have a re-match.

Friday
I have been unconscious for the 4 days. Terrible dreams of waking, going to work, coming home, eating tea, watching television and going to bed filled my torpor. I wake to find that Dutch and Liverpool football maestro Boudwain Zenden has been implicated in a kidnapping case. The prisoner, also known as the man in the paper bag has been dubbed the prisoner of Zenden. This is not true.

We have visitors, our neighbours Lothario and Neophyte Jenkins. Lothario has the unfortunate canine habit of dry humping unguarded legs. He isn't a dog.

We hear about a lumberjack who had received a woman's kidney in a transplant and now enjoys cleaning. He's suing the local authority over it. I bet he can't pass a shoe shop either.

Saturday
We shop at Ham-on-Rye. It is an urban social experiment designed by Hamfist Brown, Capability's great grand nephew in law. There are no shops.

Sunday
I am stuck.I am just three minutes away from home. I can see the door, smell the knackwurst boiling on the stove. I can even see the marks on the tyrolean spar finish where the penguins attacked last summer. But my knee has locked again and my leg acts as a pivot, throwing me in circles. I try riding my bi-psycle but it has a mind of its own and throws me into the rheen. Make a note to get one of those new-fangled motive scooters.

Saturday
Again. I call Curly Frumphifflig to see if he could come out to play. He said he couldn't as he was washing his cock. He lavishes far too much attention on those chickens. I begin to read Henceforth Spatula's blog

Thursday
I'm not superstitious but today I saw 28 magpies, if you add them all up. What does that entitle me to?

The world's youngest ever Wet T-Shirt competition winner

From The Encyclopedia Spuria

Inebriates are a religious sect who generally attend their places of worship on Friday and Saturday nights. Many strict Inebriate adherants will practice their devotions on any day of the week, sometimes around the clock. Inebriates worship the Holy duo, Hughie and Ralph through a porcelain altar known also as the porcelain telephone.
Inebriate language is known as Bar-twaddle.

Tenets of Inebriation

All Inebriate women are beautiful
All Inebriate men are irristibly sexy
I love you
I'm going to tell you a secret

Inebriate induction

Induction into the Inebriates is sometimes involuntary but however a neophyte is introduced to Inebrism they are required to go through the five stages of induction before full membership is granted.

Stage 1 - Smart inebrism
Novices become expert on every subject. They are required to express their knowledge to anyone who will listen. Novices are also always right, and by definition everybody else is wrong. No study is required to reach stage 1.

Stage 2 - Narcisistic Inebrism
Novices become convinced that they are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at them. Narcisistic Inebriates are told: "you are the center of attention, all eyes are directed at the because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth." Narcisistic Inebriates are still Smart Inebriates and will talk to anyone about any and all subjects with a conviction that the person they are talking at to fancies them like mad.

Stage 3 - Wedged Inebrism
At this stage, Wedged Inebriates give up all their worldly wealth by purchasing drinks for everyone attending the Inebriate church that evening. Wedged Inebriates are required to gamble in order to convince non-believers of their all-seeing wisdom. Other worshippers deeply admire a Wedged Inebriate and will gather around to catch pearls of wisdom and free altar wine.

Stage 4 - Bulletproof Inebrism
At this stage novices learn the Inebriate marshall art ulookinatmejimmi through osmosis. Training in fighting techniques is discouraged but the Bulletproof Inebriate is assured that as a master of the art they cannot possibly lose, or be hurt. Ulookinatmejimmi is especially useful for defending oneself against boyfriends of women who have been admiring the novice all night and for convincing other novices that your wisdom is greater than theirs.

Stage 5 - Invisible Inebrism
In the final stage of Inebrism nirvana is reached. At this point novices can do absolutely anything because no one can see them. Because novices are invisible clothes become unneccesary. Breasts, chests and bottoms are regulary exposed. As a fifth stage adherant, Invisible Inebriates are required to sing Inebriate hymns at the top of their voices and then sush themselves because nobody else knows where the sound is coming from.